The commissioner strikes back!
by Michael Mousten Mřller, November 29, 2015
A casual interview with MBA fantasy commish Brian.
Somewhere in Latvia, in some dungeon at the Grotto.:
It was a dark and stormy night suddenly a shot rang out; I'm Trevor Tendonitis Tonopulous and you know I've been digging, digging deep into the dark stormy corners of the basketball league called MBA!
Weary from years of walkaboutin' the Wagga Wagga whereabouts, I now sit in front of the MBA commissioner…Brian. I can still taste the worms from Murrumbidgee, whilst Brian is spinning his egg shaped chair, around and around again. I thought koalas ate specific leaves of the eucalyptus so why so many worm farms in Wagga Wagga?
I've digged deep, maybe too deep. Is this my bridge of Khazad Dum? I've summoned tales of Wagga Wagga and things much worse; tales to be told ensuingly. I quiver slightly yet suddenly I'm brought back to this dark dungeon room by a shrilling voice, challenging the acoustics of moistly walls.
Commish: 'C'mon man! Let's do this already!'.
3T: 'Sure thing, Brian, I mean Mr. Commissioner man. You know me…3T!'.
*I frantically search my notebook trying to locate my thoroughly prepared questions. It's only 5 years of research, dude, as my annoying conscience tells me.*
'So eh…I've done some digging down under, down in Wagga Wagga…Naughty Koala territory and I would like to know…'.
The commissioner quite suddenly interrupts my very first question.
Commish: 'Like to know what? What colour underpants I wear?'.
3T: 'Uhm, no. I just…'. The commissioner interrupts my sentence yet again.
Commish: 'I'm not telling you. So you can just forget about it!'.
3T: 'Okay then.' *The commish is known for his antics but this was getting weird*
'As I said, I've been researching the Naughty Koalas, trying to shed some light on their MBA success and…'.
The commish does it again! This time he jumps up from his egg chair.
Commish: 'Alrighty then!. They're pink with farm animals on'em. Cows, pigs and…pandas.'.
3T: *I stuttered.*. 'Pe-pe-panda pants?'.
Commish: 'Yes, pandas…I think!? Pandas are perfectly normal farm animals in China. And that's a fact. Are you a geek or something? Now shoot, Travis'.
3T: 'It's Trevor or just 3T. And no, I'm Greek actually.'.
Commish: 'That's what I said. Now get on with it. I ain't got all day.'. The commish turns back to his beloved egg chair.
3T: 'Right, right! Again…during my digging for answers in Wagga Wagga land I came across this Murrumbidgee worm farm near Gumly Gumly. Actually, it's compost worms also known as earth worms. So this is my question for you: "what is your…"'.
*I stopped myself as I could literally see Brian’s face turn as red as a fire ant.*
In a ferociously manner, the commissioner now erupts to his feet as he virtually throws his egg chair backwards into the sticky walls of his dungeon.
*My goodness this room is so dark and damp but I can see everything ever so clearly.*.
In a booming voice the commish then speaks.
Commish: 'I have a vision. A new vision that will rock the earths of MBA fantasy basketball forever!'.
Without thought, without further notice I slowly rose to my feet only to drop to my knees in a baffling awe.
*Surprisingly, my knees land on what seems to be some sort of a soft cushion, not the expected concept of a stone hard floor of your average fantasy driven dungeon. No, it was soft as a veil…soft as the soil of the Murrumbidgee worm farm in Wagga Wagga land…no!? Could it be so?*
The commish continues with his rant.
Commish: 'Yes, forever! I've put my mark on MBA but I'm not done. No siree! Visions of more MBA rules to come. You know, rules do rule and new rules are needed for the good of MBA…for the good of all people of MBA!'.
3T: 'Tell me more, commish, tell me more!'. *I can hear my own words but somehow my voice resemble the voice of Rim Rockers coach Laur. *Where on earth did that come from!?* Anyhoo, the booming booms on.
Commish: 'MBA started when there was no light, then there was light. I saw what was good and all was good – for a while! Then JBH coach Jacob started signing a shit load of free agents and stirred things up to almost a state of riot. Hence the four week contracts. Remember, Travis, this was before the internet. We only had chisels and stones back then.'.
*I thought, if a person could beam brightly then commish Brian could be a beacon of light near Tannhauser Gate. I gotta snap out of this funk!*
As the commish enunciates the forthcoming of things to come to the MBA, he now slowly works his way in a circular manner towards 3T.
3T: 'I understand…actually, I don't!? *On my knees, I instinctively grab the soil beneath me with my bare hands. My notebook is of no note no more. This soil feels familiar. This soil I know. This soil is from Murrumbidgee!*
'What's your point, commish?'.
Commish: 'My point? I'll tell you my point. Then came this new MBA coach 3M and he was way worse than coach Jacob ever was. Coach 3M was way too active and way too impatient with all his doings but I put up rules upon rules to stop these shenanigans. I've addressed the impatient MBA owners, now it's time to deal with the patient MBA owners.'.
3T: 'Come again?'. *I now sense the circular movement of the commish and I rise to my feet. I counter clock his movement only to arrive at the debris of the once glorious commissioner egg chair. I touch the chair with my hands, it is covered by soil which easily brushes off and returns to the soil-ridden floor. My eyes cannot escape the bright glimmers of light emitting from underneath the now unearthed egg chair. A chair with, dare I say, the soil of Murrumbidgee smudged on to it. I say! All this time the commish had been sitting on a golden egg.* Commish: 'I can't stand it when I watch owners like coach Kenn wrecking the MBA with his patient coaching. Who on earth keeps a fantasy points producing pussy like Stephen Curry when he only averages 12,6 FP? That's in his third year in the MBA. In fourteen games! Release the sucker, tout suite! That's like coach Laur coaching. Laur and his legion of nitwit fantasy producing players. Players like Darius Miles, Kwame Brown, Darko Milicic, Ben Gordon, Sean May, Al Thornton and freakin' Michael Beasley! I could go on and on. Four weeks and you're outta here! If not, what kind of a message does this send to the kids and our fans, huh?'.
3T: 'I…I really don't know. But commissioner, sir, I believe you're avoiding my questions. My findings in Wagga Wagga are quite disturbing.' *I'm suffocating in this enclosed dungeon room as I'm still sidestepping in a counter circle movement avoiding the commish and his fiery look.*
'Commie sir, the Naughty Koala players are eating performance enhancing earth worms. I found them myself at a Murrumbidgee worm farm and at the Kylie Minoque Memorial Dome cantina. They've even got jelly beans with worm taste on all of their shelves. These beans are green and kids eat'em too!'.
As this point the commissioner had fallen silent. I staggered a bit longer but now I seek the stability of a steady wall with my right hand. But it was not a wall. It was a dark sticky curtain. *Oh My! I grabbed the curtain in disbelief but it would not hold me. I fell. This was my bridge of Khazad Dum. Faintly I heard the mumbling sound of distant shouting coming in the direction of the commissioner*
Commish: 'No, no, nooooouh! There's nothing in there!'.
Darkness, complete and utter darkness.
*Am I still falling? No, I now feel the heavy curtain keeping me pinned to a bed of softness. My head hurts and I can hear other voices now. Are the voices lamenting my fall or have I simply got the Murrumbidgee blues!? I've got to get out of this mess before… then in the spur of this very moment the shroud is lifted from my tormented dungeon body and I can see light again. Not the brightest light, in fact I can most certainly define the person stretching his helping hand toward me. Coach Jesper? Here, in the Grotto dungeon?*
Coach Jesper: 'Hi Trevor, are you okay?.
The Tigers head coach helps me up to an unstable stand and then I realize: *My god, the room is full of stars! The Black Mamba is here…and, and that's the Brow over there. By golly, that's Big Fundamental but he looks like Davy Jones (?) or is that…holy crap of crabs, that's Swaggy P! Hey man, what's he doing here?*
The room is slightly brighter than the previous pit hole and everything comes to light. It's a Murrumbidgee like farm barn filled with crates and crates. All the crates have compost soil in them and they're brimming with moving crawling worming earth worms. Yes, those worms! The huge dungeon hall has all the stars of MBA walking around and about the myriad of worm crates, and well, their coaches are here too.
*Yet I sense that not all are present. I detect that these worms are not for "all" MBA owners.*
Then a high pitched noise distracts me. Coach Laur comes running screaming as he pushes coach Jesper aside!*
Coach Laur: 'Hey guys, it's 3T! Guys, let's get our worms out. Here, try some 3T!'
*What's he doing? Coach Laur sticks a can of worms right in to my face.*
Coach Jesper: 'Don't eat'em, man! Newts are better, man! *WTH!? Coach Jesper sticks a jar of newts in to my face. Have they all gone mad?*
3T: 'What's with the worms…and newts too?'
*I'm no longer taken aback. They're all eating the worms. I sigh as I tilt my heavy head backwards and then I spy the hanging cages. Small hanging prisons with black and white animals all locked up.*
'Pe-pe pandas? REALLY!?'.
Then the booming commish voice returns yet the voice now sounds more gentle and serene at this point in time.
Commish: 'So it's out in the open then. Here's the thing, Travis, we're growing special earth worms to better our players. By Molly, to even better ourselves. Yes, pandas!Coach Mads wouldn't allow koalas to be our test animals. So we went panda!'.
3T: 'How's that working? Pandas eat bamboo damnit, not worms!'.
Wupti doo, here comes Naughty Koalas coach Mads with more wormy words. A flock of MBA owners gather around 3T.
Coach Mads: 'But we're using the unique koala yummy leaves of the eucalyptus as a most important ingredient to the complex compost procedure for our worms. In fact, the soil we use is from Romania. To be more precise, it's from the Wallachia region near the city of Târgoviște. This soil is vital as it's soaked with bloody good proteins provided back in the day by Vlad the Impaler. Funny thing is, coach Kenn believes the soil is from around his Bran Castle but his lands are all rocks, man!'.
*The whole MBA crowd laughs out loud as I try to snicker along with them.*
Here comes coach Jacob with his mouth literally filled with worms as he speaks.
Coach Jacob: 'Yeah man! It's just Bran Castle rocks. Yet he keep sending truck after truck with all this rubble to all of us.'.
Munching worms and laughing harder now, coach Jacob keeps going.
'Yah 3T! We then ship these trucks with rubble to Llanfairpwllgwyngyll in Wales. It's nothin' but rocks over there anyway and coach Ole won't notice 'cos his face is stuck to an eyePad all the time. He face-tweeps a lot!'.
Commish: 'All true stuff. Everybody in the MBA, well except for coach 3M and coach Jesper, are committed to worms. Coach 3M is beyond reach and coach Jesper isn't hooting our collective horn due to his preference to newts and not our tastier worms.'.
Coach Jesper: 'Lies, I tell you. It's because newts can't swim in soil. They're better, man! But they die, man, they die!'.
Tiny salty tears runs down Jesper cheek. *I hear you, I hear you…man!*
Commish: 'And that's not all folks. We the righteous MBA owners are gonna change our club names too!'.
This place was founded by the Meaty Ogres and it has been known since ancient times as the Grotto. Today, soil with Ottoman men blood enhancing blood, that came at the hands of Vlad the Impaler had survived time and space. Only for the MBA to become a sextet of MBA teams striving to become an octet. A league of supernatural basketball players set to rule the basketball courts of the world.
Things change. The Grotto has indeed changed but the MBA has leap wormed its way into a new era. It has become strong…stronger…it was worm strong! A tower of strength swarming with MBA dens of worms. Remember this day and fear the coming nights. Remember that worms are night crawlers too. Know in your hearts that the worms of Târgoviște are malevolent blood worms. Remember to fear the worms!
*Of all the dungeons in all the towns in all the world, I walk into this humus. I can't fathom that this soil is for people, that these worms are for people…these soil worms ARE PEOPLE!*
To the astonishment of the entire MBA crowd and Swaggy P, coach Ole actually lifts his head from his eyePad and talks.
Coach Ole: 'Tell him, brother. Tell him our new glorious franchise names. We're "Ole's Wormlords" now!'.
Commish: 'Yes, brother and we're the "Meaty Worms"! Please chime in, all you new WMBA owners. Oh yeah, Worms & Moellers Basketball Association has been born.'. *I'm witnessing the transformation of the MBA yet my mind is set on escape from this hole in the ground. At the low point of my plans for an elopement, I notice that Swaggy P is not eating the worms. Is that a steak sandwich he's eating? It is a steak sandwich and maybe cole slaw too!? I'm going to get outta here…hitching a ride with Swaggy P!*
Coach Mads: 'Who would've thunk it but we're the "Naughty Worms" of Wagga Wagga…or should it be Murrumbidgee instead?'. *Yeah you think about that, koala kid, think long and hard.*
Coach Kenn: 'We're the ground zero of blood worms! So naturally we're the "Hunger Worms"!'
The MBA, maybe the WMBA (?) crowd giggles vividly.
'Why are you grinning, guys?'.
Coach Laur: 'Nothing! It's nothing, bat boy. Hey, 3T! You'll never guess what my team's called now!? It's the "RimWorms…or is it the WormRockers? I keep mixing it up, man!'.
Coach Jacob: 'How about "WimWockers"?
The MBA and their entourage bursts into a long lasting laughter. And a loud one too.
Coach Laur: 'Chut up, man! That's not funny – AT ALL!'.
Coach Jacob: 'Chillax, Laur! I'm in a similar wiggle. We're still Jacob's Basketball Hold. How does one worm tongue worms to go along with the good ol' JBH name? Can't be done!'.
A thundering boom strikes the dungeon hall with the commissioner throwing a hassle of bolts and lightning directed a coach Jacob.
Commish: 'You shall use the worms in your franchise name. As will the Tiger-Newts or what ever. Them desert worms in Bagdad too.'.
A big quarrel spews!
*This is my chance! Gotta find the Endless Stair to get up and out of my fall at Khazad Dum. I fixate in on Swaggy P and I whisper to his ear.*
3T: 'Yo, Swaggy! I bet that you can't chuck a shot from behind your back…from mid court at the Grotto. A hundred steak sandwiches says no!'.
Swaggy P: 'You betcha I can chuck it. Any-time! Anywhere! To the Grotto, man!'.
And Swaggy P began his ascend, chucking those endless stairs like they were chuck upon chuck shot at the all time chucking game in the history of chuckin' it.
*I chuck you not, man! All I did was tag along for the chuck ride of my life.*
Below us nothing but the distant sounds of thunder. No pink slip slipped. No need. There's a warm light ahead. All is good.
*I'm free! Swaggy P is way to fast for me but I let him run wild. I'm done here. I run to my Mitzu and fly like a soaring bird away from this nest of dirty rotten worms. Wait till coach 3M gets a load of this. I'm 3T. Worm out!*
In memory of Kaiser Soze